How's it going?
So, Mother's Day in two days. And it hurts. Right now, I wish Mother's Day wasn't even a "thing".
Naturally, my thoughts have been with you. Wondering where you are, what you are doing, who you are with. Those sorts of things. We miss you so much that at times it is still difficult to find air. I know you miss us, too. And while I don't know if you have to "find air" like we do, I do know that you continue to grieve just like we do. I just know it. Even though you have more knowledge than we, it doesn't magically take all your sorrows away. At least that's what I think. I believe this is a process for you, just like it is for us.
Enough on that, I suppose.
I just wanted to check in with you and update you on anything you might have missed lately.
As you know, Dad sold the house and moved to Logan. I think this is going to be a good change for him. I mean, I can't even imagine having to live in your house without you. That would be like sitting down to the Thanksgiving Feast, but not being able to eat it because you have the stomach flu. Or something like that. (Looks like I'm no good at analogies.) At any rate, I am glad Dad is somewhere else, but I hate that the house is gone. Because that was home to ALL of your posterity. It was our gathering place. Our meeting place. Our safe place. I am still processing it, and probably will be for some time. It makes for good therapy sessions, if nothing else.
I've been wondering: how often do you see my boys? Weekly? Daily?
It must be fairly frequent, because my little man (we will call him Baby Bob from now on) who was not yet two months when you passed- he knows you. He points right to your face (on the one-and-only picture I have of the two of you together) and smiles. He has some of your traits, which makes my heart soar. You know how you would often greet someone by having your arm fully outstretched and your fingers all fully extended? Sometimes... he does that. It's my favorite. He is growing like a weed and he has Dad's looooong legs. He is happy and smiley and laughy. He loves shoes, Signing Time, his blanket, his bottle, his binky, basketball and baseball (lots of "b"s!). His daily chore is feeding Riggins and he is so proud of himself each and every time he completes the task. He will be 19 months old in just a few days. I can hardly believe it.
Middle-Man is just about done with 2nd grade. Wait. What? I know! It's hard to process. That boy LOVES-LOVES-LOVES-LOVES (a thousand times LOVES) baseball. He eats, sleeps, dreams, lives baseball. You will need to come to some of his games if you haven't yet. They're a riot. He is sharp as a tack. He is as witty as I've ever known an 8 year old to be, and he still has his silly streak. He does have his sullen-side as well. He misses you like crazy, mom.
Big-Guy is going to be in 6th grade next year! Time just keeps marching on, doesn't it? He has a wonderful teacher this year and I'm so glad about that. His first love is still playing with friends. He is in baseball now, too. (If you've been wondering why my house is so severely neglected, it's because we have baseball six days a week.) Have you seen any of his baseball games? He was drafted in to the majors this year (sounds so Big League, doesn't it?!?). It was a rough-go at first because he is much younger than most of the boys on the team, but he is now holding his own. He has moved up in the batting line-up and has even been playing 2nd baseman. And, mom, did you see him steal home last night? Just in case you didn't, here is a recap:
(he was safe, by the way)
Mike and I are doing well, really. We are just trying to make some life decisions and we could sure use your input! He is going to continue his schooling (yes...again. I know!). We both feel good about it but we don't know where to have him go. I am so very ready for a change of scenery. So. very. ready! I want to make a biggggggg move. Across the country, in fact. But, there's the kids to think about. So, then, we wonder if we should stay a little closer to home. Please do let us know your thoughts. Because we need a little advice. And your advice is always the best. Bar none.
When Dad moved, I brought your piano to my house. I get the feeling you are glad I am playing the piano again. And my boys adore it. I know how important music is to you. And I do love music. I'm sorry I haven't made it a huge priority for my family, but looking forward, I hope to change that.
I even managed to squeeze the piano in to my pint-sized living room. It was quite a feat, but I think having it front-and-center will ensure it doesn't get neglected.
Mom, I think about you all the time. I ache to see you and just hang out or go to lunch with you.
The good news is, I am again finding happiness in Mike and my boys. I know you would want me to just play with and love these men of mine, and I am trying my best to make you proud in that area!
I hope you have a good Mother's Day (But, right now, I think you wish it wasn't a "thing" either, am I right?)
I have decided to make this blog a place to talk to you. So please, be a loyal reader?
Talk to you soon,
Steph
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